SATIRE
Follow UsWhat’s the worst thing that could happen to Test cricket?
Pakistan.
You bring Pakistan even in the same vicinity to Test cricket, and there’s a great chance that the red-ball format is trying to Bazball its way out of the country. It is even ready to go to the Caribbean, a group of islands that have not given an absolute ‘rooster’ about the health of Test cricket.
Test cricket has been harassed here in Pakistan, so much so that “even Bangladesh” have gone out with a series win. That’s just the standards of the red-ball format dropping by the day.
You might be wondering why there is hate for Pakistan?
Well, absolutely none from me, but everything from Test cricket. It is almost the same way an employee would feel if the organisation had promised him a bumper pay increase, only to return with a bag of stale peanuts.
The pitch and conditions in Pakistan have been even worse than in a bag of stale peanuts. If this ‘spiciness’ is what Shan Masood and Jason Gillespie said before the start of the home season, they put even the most spicy Bhoot Jolokia to shame.
It is so spicy that you can drive your car here without worrying about having your hand on the steering wheel.
What’s worse, Gillespie said that they wanted the public to remember their style of cricket.
"I want both the Pakistan public and the media to be able to watch us play and go, 'Yes, this is the style of cricket Pakistan are playing.'
I'm not sure if there is even a style at this point. Perhaps the style is to be beaten every time at home? Or just get hammered by teams left, right and centre? That is the plausible answer.
But the real masala is what we got from our inside sources at the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB). You wouldn’t believe a word of what I’m going to say, or maybe you will. It is that believable, to be honest.
“We are preparing flat pitches so that Joe Root can go past Sachin Tendulkar’s record,” a source close to PCB said. But what does PCB get from it, you might wonder?
“Nothing, we will get the pride of having so many records being broken in a single series, and can taunt our neighbours, India. They always have so much pride in their Sachin Tendulkar and his record. But not anymore….” he added.
“Can’t you see why we are producing such flat pitches? It is not for OUR BATTERS. Screw our batters, they can’t anyway score runs, they are not even the real kings; we only want the one and only KING ROOT to go past Sachin’s record.”
The source also added that the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) promised to host them many more times if they help Root break Sachin’s record. That’s breaking news, innit?
If that wasn’t it, he also said this CRAZY THING. Apparently, Pakistan are producing more flat pitches only to convince the likes of Virat Kohli, Steve Smith and Kane Williamson to tour for a five-match Test series.
That would not just boost their revenue, but also, you know? Get them back in form.
“Kohli needs one five-match series against Pakistan, doesn’t he?” the source said, leaving us totally perplexed. Yeah, just for equality's sake, let’s have Smith, Kohli, and Williamson go there for a lengthy tour.
Come on, BCCI, make that thing happen. That’s the only way Kohli can make a strong comeback, and the fans can all go their jolly way in calling him “Pakistan ka baap.”
Oh, I forgot the selection. What happened to PCB’s chief commenting about selecting a team using Artificial Intelligence (AI)?
"These 150 players have been selected, 80% of it has been done by AI, and 20% using humans. Nobody can challenge that. We gave about 20% weightage to our selection committee,” PCB’s chief Mohsin Naqvi said before Pakistan’s Champions Cup.
Perhaps they got a knock-off version of the ‘ChatGPT’, which doesn’t really know any other Pakistan star from Babar Azam. Try asking ChatGPT who is Pakistan’s best batter at the moment, it will tell you.
“As of my last update, Babar Azam has been considered Pakistan's best batter. He consistently performs well across formats and is often ranked among the top batsmen in the world,” no wonder PCB are still calling Babar the ‘best in the business’.
Maybe it was ex-PCB chairman Ramiz Raja, who was operating from ChatGPT’s account.
“Fan following increases with wins, and fans identify with success stories. Babar Azam has had a famous success story. There is no doubt that he has been a big player in all three formats,” is what Ramiz had to say.
It is not just Babar who should stay away from social media, but you, Ramiz, too, for the way you support him. Try calling ‘spade’ as ‘spade’ for once.
On a pitch that was so spicy that even Marcus Trescothick, a 48-year-old, wanted to walk out with the bat, you say that the entire nation should support Babar? For his fantastic 30? Look at Root at the other end, he has scored almost 150 more than Babar has scored in the entire year, all in one innings.
The pitch was so ‘good’ that it made Harry Brook, the man who failed in the entire series against Sri Lanka, look like Sir Don Bradman. As one of my friends would put it, no wonder there are a lot of advertisements for ‘Tapal Tea’ on broadcast because the conditions are as good as a highway.
Pakistan fans are FURIOUS? Of course, you have NO REASON to be furious. After all, you guys named Babar the King of Pakistan cricket. If you want to burn something, you should burn the pitches in Pakistan.
It is quite bad, so much so that even the pitches in Pakistan want to move to the United Arab Emirates (UAE) where they are treated well.
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