SATIRE
Follow UsAre you that seasonal cricket fan who was last present during the 2023 Indian Premier League? Do you want help preparing for the upcoming 50-over World Cup in India?
You said you only knew Virat Kohli and Rohit Sharma, right? Perfect.
Let me curate the perfect guide for you ahead of the ODI World Cup
Curating…..
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Key steps in becoming a cricket fan
Step 1: Create a Twitter (now X) account
Perhaps the quintessential thing you need to have is a Twitter (which now is an X) account.
You don’t have one? Really? Oh no, get one created right away. Let me brief you about the keywords that need to be there in the account handle: CricCrazy.
That’s all you need to know. If you don’t have CricCrazy in your profile, people really don’t take you seriously, trust me.
Now that you have done that, think of a name. Remember, you can only pick either of Virat Kohli or Rohit Sharma. CricCrazyRo? CricCrazyKo? Oh, wait, you are a fan of both of them? Weird….. Don’t think I have come across people like that.
Give me a minute. CricCrazyRohirat? Nah, doesn’t have a good ring to it.
CricCrazyViroh? Oh, that’s interesting. But nah, doesn’t work as per our SEO needs. Hold on, CricCrazyKoRo? Wait, I got it. Cracked that.
RoKoCricCrazy
Step 2: Accounts that you need to follow
Welcome to Twiter, RoKoCricCrazy. Arghghhhhh, welcome to X, RoKoCricCrazy, sorry that we keep forgetting.
Now is the best part. The most important part about having an X profile is following the accounts and crying over the posts. So, you may be wondering who to follow. Definitely not the cricketers, definitely not Ravichandran Ashwin, the man has gone haywire over the past few days promoting his new show.
You need to follow only two accounts, they are really the backbone of world cricket: Mufaddal Vohra and CricCrazyJohns. Don’t even bother following cricketing organisations, they don’t really cover cricket 24*7 anyway.
Step 3: Understanding your X
You need to know how the platform functions now that you are deep into the X world. Simple, just put whatever trending # for every tweet of yours. Doesn’t matter if India are playing South Africa or the Netherlands, #INDvPAK should be a constant, alongside #KingKohli and #RoHitman
These three hashtags are your entire world. Every now and then, chip in a #CricketTwitter, if you want some sort of engagement.
Step 4: Now, a profile photo
This is a slightly tricky part. Finding an image of Virat Kohli and Rohit Sharma together is a cricketing royalty. And cricketing royalties aren’t found in every image. So, our AI system has found the perfect image for you, which has been analyzed by several analytical companies.
Look at this image: there is a smiling Kohli and a Rohit, who is genuinely happy with his captain’s success. Don’t ask further questions.
Step 5: How to go about your posts on X
There are several parts to this. First, you will have to understand how “Retweet’ and “Quote Tweet” works, which are the tools that will help you become an overnight star.
Remember the two accounts that you followed? If you have forgotten them, the first step to success on Cricket X is not to forget them. They are like the encyclopedia of the X-verse. If you don’t retweet and quote-tweet them, forget your existence already.
Once you have understood that, let’s get to the good part: opinion. Having an opinion is a must. But having a good opinion isn’t. You should have unpopular opinions so you gain every kind of traction. Even if someone is bashing the hell out on your screen, you have to criticise them, stating that they have a particular weakness.
Oh, it is the World Cup season, so one more important thing.
For whatever happens on the field, criticize a *certain ticketing partner* for not getting tickets. Sorry, CookMyMeal.com
Step 6: How to sit through these World Cup games
After all of this, you might wonder, how on earth can I sit through these eight/nine hours of action? That’s really the tough part.
That’s a part where you really NEED A GUIDE because even the pros are struggling to sit through ODI cricket at the moment. There are a few things that you can keep in mind, at least the ones that could potentially work out for you.
If you are a tea person, brew plenty of tea in a pot and stay tea-drated. If you are on a coffee break, I’m sure you are already hit with plenty of caffeine, so sleeping isn’t an option.
Otherwise, just don’t watch the game, look at the scoreboard and put up a post at the end of the clash, pointing out the brilliance of a player.
Step 7: ODI cricket is well and truly kicking
Don’t be shocked. Everyone knows the ODI format is a running joke, but for engagement purposes, you have to put this out every now and then. Look at all the celebrities putting out all these fancy statuses about ODI cricket and the richness of the World Cup.
Do you think someone hasn’t told them to tweet these things? Whatta joke. There’s no way they are sitting through the entire 100-over clash. So, all you have to do is follow the same and just tweet, “ODI cricket is well and truly kicking” every third game during the World Cup.
That’s pretty much it, you are SORTED. Hope to see you soon.
*(Shikhar Dhawan too, is making notes of these, evidently)
