SATIRE
Follow UsWhat’s the first thing you do in a new year?
Of course, resolutions, and we have set some of the quirkiest (some darkly true) sacastic resolutions for the teams and the players. So that they don’t have to. Let’s start with England.
Please Note: This is a work of satire, and it will 100% include real-life people and teams.
England to bar Jos Buttler from addressing media before T20 World Cup
Do you remember what happened last time Jos Buttler opened his mouth before a title defence?
You know it. “We have come to India to attack the title, not to defend.” And what followed was absolute shambles. It continues to haunt the Three Lions, who have since retired one of those lions.
So, for that very reason, the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) have now barred Buttler from addressing the media before the 2024 T20 World Cup in the Caribbean and the United States of America (USA).
All Joe Root wants this year is to play Supla Shot
From one English talisman to another, we have Joe Root’s resolution in front of you. It is a secret, well-guarded in the Lord’s museum, where apparently Alex Carey isn’t allowed to enter. In a closely guarded secret, it is revealed that the 33-year-old has put down ‘Supla Shot’ in his diary.
Get ready, Supla Shot is around the corner.
Jonny Bairstow’s resolution: to stay at the crease
It is quite a Lord’s thing, innit? Lord’s is a place where magical things happen like Alex Carey’s throw-down to dismiss a lazy Jonny Bairstow wandering away from his crease like a stroll down in Hyde Park.
Bairstow is clear. His New Year resolution is to stay at the crease, no matter what, even if the umpire calls it an over. Now, over and out.
Glenn Maxwell to take part in PGA Tour
What’s common between Bairstow and Maxwell? Of course, golf.
It is only natural for the Australian all-rounder to take the sport more seriously. I mean, he doesn’t take cricket that seriously, anyway. Why am I saying that? Because he missed a World Cup game because of playing golf.
Now, the all-rounder has set his sights on the Professional Golfers' Association (PGA) Tour.
Who doesn’t want a side hustle to earn more money? After all, he only earns INR 14.25 crore from the Indian Premier League (IPL).
Mujeeb to have a trainer cum fielding coach
Oh, by the way, this nearly happened last year, but then that entire No Objection Certificate (NOC) incident prohibited the deal from going through.
According to close sources, Mujeeb ur Rahman is on the verge of appointing a personal trainer, who also will double up as a fielding coach. It could be a deal breaker. If it goes through….. because he isn’t good at sealing the deal.
Mumbai Indians’ captaincy insurance, a first in cricket
You have heard of life, automobile, travel, and motor insurance……
But a captaincy insurance? Apparently, 2024 will be a first for many things, and one of them is the captaincy insurance that Mumbai Indians have put down in their New Year Resolution list. While their 2023 Christmas present list had a certain Hardik Pandya in it, their New Year Resolution is no different.
Considering Hardik Pandya’s injury reputation, Mumbai will become the first franchise to have a captaincy insurance…. Because they are well ahead of the curve.
MS Dhoni to finally retire
There, we said it. MS Dhoni’s resolution this year is quite simple: to retire from all formats of the sport. In case you were wondering, he is an active cricketer. There are good chances you might have forgotten it because strawberry fields forever. But he is still Chennai Super Kings’ (CSK) skipper.
Dhoni, though, will finally be done with cricket (as a cricketer) once and for all. RETIRED - seven letters - Thala for a reason.
This IPL will be his last…
Two IPLs in a year? 18 teams?
All BCCI dreams in a year are profits. They don’t give a flying fig about the health of the game or the players, who are nothing but bonded labourers. So, in that realm of the world, the richest board hopes to get richer this year.
You may wonder, how exactly? Get ready for two IPLs in a year. It is CLOSER THAN EVER TO BECOMING A REALITY. 18 TEAMS. 120 crore budget for all teams. And cross the 25 crore mark for a player bid. That’s all BCCI wants for this year. More money.
India women to now have fielding medals
But there is a catch. There is an asterisk attached to it. And that is, the Indian women’s team will now have a fielding medal, for guess what? For the best-dropped catch!!
There are a lot of contenders for this medal, but let’s leave it to the team to decide the winner. And why is that not Smr….?
All Haris Rauf wants is to have a single-digit economy
Haris Rauf’s resolution is quite a simple one: he wants to maintain a single-digit economy rate at the 2024 T20 World Cup. You may ask, that’s so easy, how is it even a resolution?
His economy rate at the 2023 ODI World Cup was 6.74. So, all he wants for the New Year is to have an economy rate of under 10 in the shortest format.
India to break ICC jinx
Enough said. India have been procrastinating this longer than I have been procrastinating my New Year Resolutions.
Angelo Mathews doesn’t want to get timed out
Sri Lanka’s Angelo Mathews has a particular resolution - not to get timed out. In the hope of that, the Sri Lankan all-rounder has started timing himself from the dressing room to the middle of the ground.
Apparently, it is called the ‘Shakib test’ in the Sri Lankan dressing room. What a name.
Rizwan hopes to win an Oscar this year
New year, same ol’ me. That could be said about several billion Indians and Mohammad Rizwan. Rizwan tried a lot last time; he was this close to winning the award twice - for his acting in the ODI World Cup clash against Sri Lanka and later in the year against Australia, where he kept showing his arm.
What can he do this year? He’s apparently taking acting lessons from Salman Khan. Because Bhai is Bhai.
Shivam Mavi - stay away from social media
Oh, this could be true. Very well, it could be a reality. If things are to be believed, the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) are quite unhappy with Shivam Mavi’s ‘X’ account. Apparently, the all-rounder (self-proclaimed) has been using his ‘X’ account like it is a dating application, where he has been liking instead of swiping.
