God Save the K̶i̶n̶g̶ Three Lions

"I have said lots of times, I don't see us as defending champions," England’s captain Jos Buttler said before the 2023 ODI World Cup. 

He wasn’t lying. 

Not even one bit. 

If there was a problem, that was your understanding. Buttler himself said that England weren’t trying to defend anything. But the best part wasn’t that; it was what he said next, “We are trying to create something new”. 

England ARE creating something new. They are doing something that has never been done in the history of the World Cup. Never has a defending champion lost three out of its first four clashes. 

Never has an England team ever lost to a team called Afghanistan ever in its history. England are doing something new; they are trying to ‘attack’ the title. How do you even attack a title? 

Well, by smashing every opportunity you ever have in a clash? What England are trying to do is unique; they are trying to quash all their opportunities in a clash and still see if there is a possibility of winning. 

That’s what they did against South Africa. They didn’t just lose; they lost by the biggest margin in their ODI history, let alone World Cup history. You see, they are not trying to do something small. It's their life, they are trying to make it large. 

"Being fifth in the rankings, maybe there are a few asterisks against that. We don't read too much into it: we have a lot of belief in our side. I don't think anyone would want to play us, or enjoy playing us,” Buttler said in the same interview before the World Cup. 

It is a goddamn World Cup, why would you want to face England, the side which ranks BOTTOM in a ten-team tournament. It is a side that lost to New Zealand by nine wickets. If that wasn’t it, they lost against Afghanistan, a team that had lost 14 consecutive World Cup games. 

Even if you ignore that fact, they lost to them on a Delhi wicket where South Africa scored 400 runs for fun? It was literally a wicket where South Africa were ‘baz-balling’, but England couldn’t even baz-bat? That, too, in the second innings?

So, why would a quality team like India want to play England? They wouldn’t even be interested in playing against them, even for ‘do guna lagaan’. 

Welcome to the world of Three Lions. 

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England are peculiar. Ask me why? 

Actually not even peculiar; England are really hypocrites.

"We'll always look to make subtle changes, but I can guarantee you now there won't be any wholesale changes with the team," Matthew Mott said. 

England are so bad that they’ve turned an honest Australian in Matthew Mott into a hypocrite. 

Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if you thought Brendon McCullum was England’s coach. 

Didn’t the words from his mouth go like “subtle changes”? 

Which part of making three changes - including dropping the ball on Sam Curran, Liam Livingstone and Chris Woakes - be subtle? Not just that, it was a change in the English DNA, how on earth did they go from having a team full of all-rounders to a team of specialists? 

If anything, these changes weren’t subtle. It was “wholesale”, a word Mott said he wouldn’t do. How do you really go to those three players and explain? 

You don’t. And then for Joe Root to come out saying, “England haven’t played enough ODIs leading to the World Cup”.

Tell me whose fault is that? After winning the Ashes, none of the players were even remotely interested in competing with Ireland, who they conveniently invite (on an Ashes basis) just to test their bowling strength. 

Let’s move on. 

One second, I forgot something: a golden sentence. 

“We (England) lost that game, we didn't play well enough, and we've accepted that and moved on from that,” was what Jonny Bairstow had to say after their loss against Afghanistan. 

England lost to Afghanistan by 69 runs. 

Except they didn’t move on from that. 

That’s when they went and lost to South Africa by 229 runs, crushing every bookie that sold a good price on an English win. England are back at what they are best known in the sport's history - being bad at it. 

We all know how they won the 2019 World Cup, don’t we? Without the boundary count rule, we would have seen the deserving winners, New Zealand, lift the title. 

Forget winning; we all know how they also got to the boundary count unintentionally. 

England being bad at multiple sports isn’t new, their last FIFA World Cup win was way back in 1966, when David Bairstow, Jonny’s dad, was still aspiring to be a cricketer, starting his time at the County level with Yorkshire. 

Since then, all they have done is draw blanks, and despite that, they have the audacity to say, “It is coming home.” In that case, shouldn’t it go to Brazil? 

The Three Lions’ dismal start to the tournament also coincides with their loss against South Africa and Afghanistan - two of Britain’s colonies at some point in history because that’s what they do best. 

On the same day, England were slated to face South Africa in the semi-final of the Rugby World Cup. Oh wait, should they be addressed as ‘The Lions’, who got tamed by the Springboks?

I know you are confused at this point. In simple terms, a Springbok or Springbuck is a medium-sized antelope, and a Lion is a lion. In which jungle or food chain have you seen this happening? 

Essentially, the Lion is the king of the jungle. 

But not this Lion or in this jungle. 

England have not just ruined the sport but also ruined the food chain and how nature functions. 

Who on earth would have thought that was possible? 

God Save the K̶i̶n̶g̶ Three Lions!!