SATIRE!!!!
Follow UsChaos is the name of the Indian dressing room.
Just hours after India’s head coach Gautam Gambhir suggested that there’s nothing finalised on the playing XI for the Sydney Test, there’s been a fresh leak. Sources very close to the captain have leaked that a solid top-order batter who knows how to play the long game has been brought into the setup.
The leak confirmed that the batter, with over 100 Test appearances, has been viewed as a one-stop solution to India’s batting woes. The news comes after India’s dismal batting show in Melbourne, where they were thrashed by 184 runs.
While he hasn’t donned the Indian jersey in a while, he has been travelling with the team (almost) at every venue they have played over the last year.
They also added that the batter is currently negotiating with the BCCI over his place in the side, and will only step foot into the dressing room if the negotiations are fruitful. Hold on, we got more information straight from Sydney.
It is confirmed that the player who the BCCI are trying to rope in is a legend of the game, especially in the longest format. Yes, the BCCI have successfully confirmed negotiations to get 75-year-old Sunil Gavaskar into the Indian setup to solve two problems: 1) India’s defensive woes and 2) India’s new-ball pairing alongside Jasprit Bumrah.
Gavaskar was negotiating his salary and contract to be seamlessly slotted into the Indian playing XI. Hold on, who is he replacing? Well, both the head coach Gambhir and the skipper Rohit Sharma are visibly displeased with one certain Rishabh Pant and, hence, have roped in someone as talented as Gavaskar.
Despite the advice of BCCI, the 75-year-old mistakenly gave away leaks to the media when he said, “The next cycle that will start, the series that will take place in England, the next cycle of the World Test Championship will be the cycle for 2027. So you should see new faces for that.”
That new face in question was none other than Sunny G himself. He has now swapped his mic for a sunny ton willow and has already joined the Indian team in Sydney. BCCI’s officials have leaked to this publication that “We've decided to go back to basics, and there's no one more basic, or shall we say, fundamental, to Indian cricket than Sunny Gavaskar."
While it does come as a shock with the World Test Championship (WTC) title on the line, BCCI have reasoned out another reason behind Gavaskar’s inclusion. What the 75-year-old said about Pant had deeply resonated with the Indian dressing room, with the iconic “Stupid, stupid, stupid” having sealed the deal.
Gavaskar, now in his 70s, was seen practising in the nets against Jasprit Bumrah without a helmet before his secret comeback in Sydney. The 75-year-old told this publication, "Back in my day, we didn't need fancy shots; we needed patience, and I've got plenty of that now. We don’t need helmets, young man.”
Some individuals in the Indian dressing room who were dropped (didn’t fit the combination) were very excited about the prospect of rubbing shoulders with the great ‘G’. When asked how one could face the brunt of Mitchell Starc and Pat Cummins, Gavaskar replied, “Use your wit and not your helmet,” bamboozling the current crop of cricketers.
What happens to Pant now?
Close sources from the broadcasting team confirmed they are lining up a special guest commentator for the SCG Test. While not giving away his name, they said the 27-year-old knows everything about a commentator’s wrath.
"****’s Pantomime: A Tale of Shots Gone Wrong” is the closest clue we can give.
The news of Gavaskar's return will certainly break the internet, and people who have read just the headline will sue us for wrongful information. But in case people are searching for captions, we already have you covered: “When the wall meets the wrecking ball.” Not just that, with Akash Deep set to be ruled out of the Sydney Test, Gavaskar is expected to take the new ball.
Another source close to the groundsmen in Sydney also confirmed that the SCG is preparing a grand return for Gavaskar, with the soil imported from the past (70s) to ensure that the bounce would be just how the 75-year-old wants it to be. They have even gone to the lengths of importing the soil and wisdom of the groundsmen from the West Indies, where Gavaskar had his greatest-ever tour.
Would Gavaskar's experience outshine Pant's flair? The ball is now in the Mumbaikar’s court.
Please note: In case you already didn’t know, all of this is 100% satire, and will have names of real people and players.
